It's so easy sometimes to forget that she's gone. 8 weeks really isn't that long, considering.
In a way, her ongoing presence has been a 35 year habit. It should be no surprise that this one's hard one to break. To pick up the phone and dial the same number I've known all my life. Oh the things I've wanted to tell her.
Christmas shopping, I've lit up a hundred times thinking "she will love this" ... only to remember.
I want her to see what I've done to L.'s room, it's so different than it was before. I want her to sit in my new comfy-chair coffee nook in the kitchen, so we can sit and have our favourite comfort and talk about life. I want her to see L's new barber-styled short haircut, he's so handsome - I'm sure she would have teared-up seeing him look so different, knowing that the end of an era had passed.
The ginger-milk chocolate I bought her from Bernard Callebaut at the Calgary airport, just one day before she passed away, it's sitting in my china cabinet untouched. Tears well-up every time I think about how I never got the chance to give it to her.
But during this 8 weeks I've been given the opportunity to spread my wings without her. Not having her around has forced me to confront feelings that are difficult, and it's made me a much stronger person. I had no idea how much comfort I always felt with just her presence, just knowing she was always there if I needed her.
So many thoughts, new ones every day. And I'm dreaming about the future, and what it will be like.
I'm okay though. I'm realizing how solid I am with processing all of this. I feel stable, secure. I'm finding comfort in having certain items of hers. And Lucas remembers so many things about her which offers much relief. She made an impact on him. How can I not feel grateful for that? She will be a part of our lives for many years to come. I'm sure of that.
8 weeks ago I lost my Mom ... but I found something inside of me that is just beginning to blossom.