marthamommy

It still hurts

The last note she ever wrote me is still affixed with a magnet to the side of my fridge. 

"I'll take him here! Love Mom" it says. 

She had written it on a notice from our daycare ... they'd be closed on September 30th and she was offering, as she always did, to take him that day so I could still get my work done.  That day never came for her.

I cant bear to throw the note away ... but every time it catches my eye, a sudden sharp sadness takes over me and the tears sting.

We are getting close to the end of the legal work on her Estate.  The house has sold and it is becoming very real for me that someone else will be living there soon.  That I'll never be able to go in there again.  That it's done. It's over.  

Not a day has gone by where I haven't thought of her and missed her.  I still have natural reflexes to call her to share good news or to see what she's up to.  But then I remember.

And it still hurts.

(p.s. Downstream Part 2 is on its way)

Downstream Part 1

January has become so much more than I expected. 

Earlier this month, I started my much-anticipated online class with Mondo Beyondo, not knowing exactly what to expect nor that something so huge would develop over a mere 2 weeks time.  I think I was so ready for this, so ready to breathe out all that has been keeping me stagnant, and to inhale some much-craved courage, permission and trust.  To let go, to follow my heart, to allow movement and change.

I've been needing this for a very long time.

So when I started scribbling down some notes involving numbers, crossing out some, adding some, multiplying, and the like, all the support and understanding I was feeling from Mondo Beyondo sparked something inside of me.  Like an inner-knowing that, this time, it was all going to be okay.  That I could do this and, that I was meant to do this.

I'm talking about taking a huge leap of faith and downing some serious courage biscuits in the form of taking a year off work.  Potentially more, because you never know what can happen in a year's time.  Newfound friendships can form, ventures can birth, dreams can soar.  We just never know unless we try.

I like my stability. But I like my desires more.

I like feeling safe and secure, the uncomfortable comfort of working 5 days per week at something I am not in love with, of knowing that income will continue to show up on the very same day. each. and. every. month. 

But I've come to realize that when we don't make room for our dreams to show up, they just never will.  There's not much room to breathe, and not much space for anything else to fit in.  And after 6 and a half years of the same old song and dance, sometimes our inner wisdom knows more than we do and it calls out to us, stronger and louder with each passing day.  I sometimes laugh at how much we hold ourselves back from the simple things we can have ... and for the reasons why.  It's ridiculous really.  Letting go and trusting feels so much better.  Feeling good, every day, feels so much better.

There are things that I want.

I want life to slow down, for time to move much more slowly.

I want to be present, every day, to never just be 'going through the motions'.

I want to exhale the old way of thinking ... and to inhale, quite deeply, the new.

I want to do, what I want to do, when I want to do it. No restrictions. No deadlines.

I want to declutter, to clear out, to simplify and to love every moment of the process.

I want to decompress, fully, because I will know that there is time and that there is no rush.

I want my child to witness me respecting myself enough to say: enough is enough.  To witness me finding balance and complete health in all ways.  That money and things are worth so much less than the joys of what we can have when time slows down and deadlines disappear.

I want to look back at my life, in my elder age, and to remember the day that I made the choice to change my life forever.  And to see how great it made L.'s life too. 

I will have no regrets.

Downstream Part 2 coming soon ...

Out of sorts

I have no idea how this has happened but I have to write about it before I explode from further discomfort. 

In fact, I think I'm starting to feel some relief just knowing I'm about to spill on how I'm feeling.

The New Year was something I was really looking forward to, totally pumped, hugely excited.  Loved everything about starting a fresh year.  I was ready to grab 2010 by the horns and Kick. Some. Ass. on my To. Do. List.  And then something happened on the way from December 31st to January 1st and I've been having such a hard time putting my finger on it.  I chipped my tooth, received my monthly 'dividend' (cramps and irritability included) and my energy and enthusiasm just fell flat.

I've been wandering around my house wondering what to do about it ever since.

And I know I should just chill out ... this too soon shall pass, but WTF? 

I wanted to have this blog redesigned by now and I almost didn't post anything today because I really just don't like this space anymore.  In fact I never quite finished it last year, now it's just wearing on me.  I've been bothered by a few things my mind keeps circling on - you know those stupid annoying things that are ridiculous to even be placing any attention on but somehow you just can't keep them from your thought space?

And here I sit absolutely loathing the fact that I'm letting anything negative sear into my thoughts.  Like HELLO!!!???

Breeeeeeeeeeeathe innnnnnnnn. Breeeeeeeeeeeeathe ouuuuuuut, ahhhhhhhhhhh. *sigh*

But I do have some good news to shine up the blunting tarnish of my 2010 thus far.  I've started one of the hugest most important goals of my year ... changing my eating and ensuring that I do some form of exercise each and every day.  I know it's barely a day and a half into the year but due to all of the above, I'm honestly surprised I've stuck with it.  If I can stick with it when I feel like crap like this, the rest of the year will be cake .... err, celery sticks.

Okay, I feel better now, kinda.

Now if only Lucas would stop asking for $19.95 so he can buy a Slap Chop (because you know we can't do this all day). Then all will be well.

Happy New Year : )

New Year, New Things and a little 'call to action'

*sigh*

I'm going to be redesigning this blog to start fresh in the New Year.  Again? I know.  I did the same last year around this time.  But it's just something I need to do. 

I have some pretty lofty goals for 2010.  Starting fresh is the platform from which I will jump.  I even have my TypePad account set up on my iPhone now, so being able to post updates from the comfort of my own bed will make it MUCH much easier to stay on top of posting regularly. 

There is a lot to look forward to. 

I know there are still folks who come here daily hoping to find something to read.  I know you exist because of my stats counter.  And I'm sorry that there is hardly ever anything new. 

Anyway, thank you all for visiting here.  This space isn't quite dead yet ... honest.

Join me in making 2010 a year to remember.  It's time to sink your teeth into life like never before and make the best of every moment.  Everything starts with that little seed of thought ... your 'great idea', your desire. That little seed that keeps coming back saying "really ... you should really do that one day".  Give your seed a little water, some sunshine, some positive thoughts and feelings, and let it grow.  Let that great idea, your desire, manifest itself.  Focus your attention on it as much as you can and block out the negative thoughts that keep it dormant.

We can all do this and have exactly what we want.

I know it.

Kids In Victoria Blog

Just a quick note to say that I will be posting some INSANELY awesome Christmas stuff here shortly ... so in the meantime, feel free to swing by my new blog called "Stepping Outside" which is being featured on the Kids In Victoria website here:

http://www.kidsinvictoria.com/blog/category/stepping-outside/

Once you're on the site, you'll need to click the blue titles of each post to read the entire entry.

8 weeks ago

It's so easy sometimes to forget that she's gone.  8 weeks really isn't that long, considering.

In a way, her ongoing presence has been a 35 year habit.  It should be no surprise that this one's hard one to break.  To pick up the phone and dial the same number I've known all my life.  Oh the things I've wanted to tell her.

Christmas shopping, I've lit up a hundred times thinking "she will love this" ... only to remember. 

I want her to see what I've done to L.'s room, it's so different than it was before.  I want her to sit in my new comfy-chair coffee nook in the kitchen, so we can sit and have our favourite comfort and talk about life. I want her to see L's new barber-styled short haircut, he's so handsome - I'm sure she would have teared-up seeing him look so different, knowing that the end of an era had passed.

The ginger-milk chocolate I bought her from Bernard Callebaut at the Calgary airport, just one day before she passed away, it's sitting in my china cabinet untouched.  Tears well-up every time I think about how I never got the chance to give it to her. 

But during this 8 weeks I've been given the opportunity to spread my wings without her.  Not having her around has forced me to confront feelings that are difficult, and it's made me a much stronger person.  I had no idea how much comfort I always felt with just her presence, just knowing she was always there if I needed her. 

So many thoughts, new ones every day.  And I'm dreaming about the future, and what it will be like.

I'm okay though.  I'm realizing how solid I am with processing all of this.  I feel stable, secure.  I'm finding comfort in having certain items of hers.  And Lucas remembers so many things about her which offers much relief.  She made an impact on him.  How can I not feel grateful for that?  She will be a part of our lives for many years to come.  I'm sure of that.

8 weeks ago I lost my Mom ... but I found something inside of me that is just beginning to blossom.

Little punches

It's been one month since she passed away.

On the evening of September 26, 2009, my life changed profoundly forever.  I will never be the same person as I was that day.  It's just impossible.

When I look at her photo now, she feels like a stranger ... and I don't like that feeling.  It's my own mind, self-preserving, because it knows I would lose it if I felt everything all at once.

My feelings come out in little punches, to the gut. They leave me breathless.  I realize the magnitude of my loss in those brief moments, until my mind takes over and abruptly turns off the tap.  It won't let me go there for long, the brevity feels odd, but in other ways I'm thankful.  I can't afford to fall apart for so many reasons.

She's no longer there at the other end of the phone.  I can't tell her the cute funny thing that Lucas did today, I can't tell her about my special plans for a gathering of friends the night before Halloween.  She won't be there when Lucas starts school next year.  She's not there today on the phone telling me she'll be picking up Lucas to take care of him for the day, he's sick, she always wanted to care for him during those times so I could get my work done.

There, finally, a few paragraphs in, my tears are pouring.  I'm realizing that I need to keep writing in order to process all that has happened.  There is much to discuss with myself, so much to acknowledge. 

And just like that, the tears, they vanish.

... it's time to write about it.

Here is an entry I wrote on Monday morning. This is my introduction to the many confessions that will undoubtedly flow through my fingers, breaking from silent tears over the coming months.  I have a lot to say.

My beautiful Mom passed away two nights ago, on Saturday night, very suddenly and unexpectedly in her home. She experienced a severe heart attack and from what the Coroner said, it was very quick, and she didn't suffer (other than the first quick symptoms that I'm sure were very scary for her). I was the last person to talk to her ... I'm still not sure if the 911 dispatcher actually talked to her or if she passed out before then.

My Mom called me and told me something wasn't right, that there was burning in her chest. She was scared. I asked her if I should call 911 and she said no, that I should wait 5 minutes, and that if I didn't hear from her, I should call 911. Well, I told her that I should call, so I did that right away. I'm so glad she knew that I was going to call for her.

I ended up calling her back and there was no answer so I got my 4 yr old to jump in the car with me and I frantically drove over to her house which is about 3 minutes away from mine. When I got there the house was surrounded with police and ambulances - I left my son in the car and ran to my Mom's house only to see that they had busted her door down - there were shards of wood from the doorframe everywhere. This is where I realized how serious things were.

I was told by an officer that I couldn't go in because they were working on her. My son ended up being taken by a neighbour to play with her child and I was taken to another neighbour's house to wait.

They worked on her for over an hour and eventually the officer came to tell me that they had a faint pulse and were going to take her to the hospital. Well not long after that, the paramedic came in to tell me that she was gone. That my Mom had tried so hard but they couldn't save her.

I am beyond devastated - my Mom and I were so close and she played a HUGE role in my son's life and in my own. I just can't believe she is gone. I can't believe that I don't have a Mom anymore. I can't call her anymore. I can't see her anymore. I am numb.

Please, everyone, please tell your family how much you love them. Make sure your parents know without a doubt how much you love and appreciate them. There was no warning before my Mom's sudden death and I just wish I had had one more day to do something nice for her and to let her know in full detail all the things that I love about her and how she has influenced my life in so many positive ways. I have done this from time to time in our relationship but she was really due for a reminder.

I just want my Mom back. And I know I'm only at the tip of the iceberg in terms of realizing how huge this loss is for me.

35

... here is where things shift. 

I'm ready to step outside of my comfort zone and challenge myself on a whole new level as an evolving human being. 

I've witnessed something about this world that has changed my perception of it.  Why we're all here, and more importantly, who and what I want to be in this existence.

To challenge the way I think.  To change the way I react.  It's already happening and I can't stop it ... nor would I want to.

There is a fork in the road and I've made my choice.

Thank you Jen Lemen, for being my looking-glass into the future of what can be when you choose to dive into the richness of the human being experience with courage.  Thank you for documenting your life, as mysterious and vague and open for interpretation as your words have been - I understand.

I will look back at this moment, this year, as when I chose to follow my heart.

As Summer takes a dramatic turn ...

... for the worse?  Or is this just a wee rest from the Heatwave of Torture!?

What can I say - things haven't been very Summerish around here lately so we haven't done a whole heckuvalot worthy of posting.  BUT we did manage to go fly a kite, hit the park and have a couple barbeques and park picnics after daycare/work ... not to mention a backyard family gathering yesterday for my birthday which had to be the most amazing dinner I've had on the deck to date - everything about it was perfect - even the sun came back out when we sat down to eat!

 

The above was the only photo I was able to grab of Lucas AND the kite in the same frame - my portrait lens made things difficult that way.

 

It was our London Drugs $2.99-special Spiderman kite and ... it worked famously.

 

He worked that kite like a pro - didn't even have a chance to teach him as a huge gust of wind grabbed the kite and it was airborne - he clued in with the rest.  

After the wind died-down Lucas tried his hand at some stuntman moves:

 

 

And then it was back home for some blackberry foraging in the backyard:

 

and being a little goofy ...

 

I really hope the swim-worthy weather returns ... that lovely 'must make more popsicles' kind of heat already seems like a distant memory.  I'm hoping that wasn't 'it' for Summer 2009 weather-wise.  We shall see.