Just a quick note to say that I will be posting some INSANELY awesome Christmas stuff here shortly ... so in the meantime, feel free to swing by my new blog called "Stepping Outside" which is being featured on the Kids In Victoria website here:
http://www.kidsinvictoria.com/blog/category/stepping-outside/
Once you're on the site, you'll need to click the blue titles of each post to read the entire entry.
It's so easy sometimes to forget that she's gone. 8 weeks really isn't that long, considering.
In a way, her ongoing presence has been a 35 year habit. It should be no surprise that this one's hard one to break. To pick up the phone and dial the same number I've known all my life. Oh the things I've wanted to tell her.
Christmas shopping, I've lit up a hundred times thinking "she will love this" ... only to remember.
I want her to see what I've done to L.'s room, it's so different than it was before. I want her to sit in my new comfy-chair coffee nook in the kitchen, so we can sit and have our favourite comfort and talk about life. I want her to see L's new barber-styled short haircut, he's so handsome - I'm sure she would have teared-up seeing him look so different, knowing that the end of an era had passed.
The ginger-milk chocolate I bought her from Bernard Callebaut at the Calgary airport, just one day before she passed away, it's sitting in my china cabinet untouched. Tears well-up every time I think about how I never got the chance to give it to her.
But during this 8 weeks I've been given the opportunity to spread my wings without her. Not having her around has forced me to confront feelings that are difficult, and it's made me a much stronger person. I had no idea how much comfort I always felt with just her presence, just knowing she was always there if I needed her.
So many thoughts, new ones every day. And I'm dreaming about the future, and what it will be like.
I'm okay though. I'm realizing how solid I am with processing all of this. I feel stable, secure. I'm finding comfort in having certain items of hers. And Lucas remembers so many things about her which offers much relief. She made an impact on him. How can I not feel grateful for that? She will be a part of our lives for many years to come. I'm sure of that.
8 weeks ago I lost my Mom ... but I found something inside of me that is just beginning to blossom.
It's been one month since she passed away.
On the evening of September 26, 2009, my life changed profoundly forever. I will never be the same person as I was that day. It's just impossible.
When I look at her photo now, she feels like a stranger ... and I don't like that feeling. It's my own mind, self-preserving, because it knows I would lose it if I felt everything all at once.
My feelings come out in little punches, to the gut. They leave me breathless. I realize the magnitude of my loss in those brief moments, until my mind takes over and abruptly turns off the tap. It won't let me go there for long, the brevity feels odd, but in other ways I'm thankful. I can't afford to fall apart for so many reasons.
She's no longer there at the other end of the phone. I can't tell her the cute funny thing that Lucas did today, I can't tell her about my special plans for a gathering of friends the night before Halloween. She won't be there when Lucas starts school next year. She's not there today on the phone telling me she'll be picking up Lucas to take care of him for the day, he's sick, she always wanted to care for him during those times so I could get my work done.
There, finally, a few paragraphs in, my tears are pouring. I'm realizing that I need to keep writing in order to process all that has happened. There is much to discuss with myself, so much to acknowledge.
And just like that, the tears, they vanish.
Here is an entry I wrote on Monday morning. This is my introduction to the many confessions that will undoubtedly flow through my fingers, breaking from silent tears over the coming months. I have a lot to say.
My beautiful Mom passed away two nights ago, on Saturday night, very suddenly and unexpectedly in her home. She experienced a severe heart attack and from what the Coroner said, it was very quick, and she didn't suffer (other than the first quick symptoms that I'm sure were very scary for her). I was the last person to talk to her ... I'm still not sure if the 911 dispatcher actually talked to her or if she passed out before then.
My Mom called me and told me something wasn't right, that there was burning in her chest. She was scared. I asked her if I should call 911 and she said no, that I should wait 5 minutes, and that if I didn't hear from her, I should call 911. Well, I told her that I should call, so I did that right away. I'm so glad she knew that I was going to call for her.
I ended up calling her back and there was no answer so I got my 4 yr old to jump in the car with me and I frantically drove over to her house which is about 3 minutes away from mine. When I got there the house was surrounded with police and ambulances - I left my son in the car and ran to my Mom's house only to see that they had busted her door down - there were shards of wood from the doorframe everywhere. This is where I realized how serious things were.
I was told by an officer that I couldn't go in because they were working on her. My son ended up being taken by a neighbour to play with her child and I was taken to another neighbour's house to wait.
They worked on her for over an hour and eventually the officer came to tell me that they had a faint pulse and were going to take her to the hospital. Well not long after that, the paramedic came in to tell me that she was gone. That my Mom had tried so hard but they couldn't save her.
I am beyond devastated - my Mom and I were so close and she played a HUGE role in my son's life and in my own. I just can't believe she is gone. I can't believe that I don't have a Mom anymore. I can't call her anymore. I can't see her anymore. I am numb.
Please, everyone, please tell your family how much you love them. Make sure your parents know without a doubt how much you love and appreciate them. There was no warning before my Mom's sudden death and I just wish I had had one more day to do something nice for her and to let her know in full detail all the things that I love about her and how she has influenced my life in so many positive ways. I have done this from time to time in our relationship but she was really due for a reminder.
I just want my Mom back. And I know I'm only at the tip of the iceberg in terms of realizing how huge this loss is for me.
... here is where things shift.
I'm ready to step outside of my comfort zone and challenge myself on a whole new level as an evolving human being.
I've witnessed something about this world that has changed my perception of it. Why we're all here, and more importantly, who and what I want to be in this existence.
To challenge the way I think. To change the way I react. It's already happening and I can't stop it ... nor would I want to.
There is a fork in the road and I've made my choice.
Thank you Jen Lemen, for being my looking-glass into the future of what can be when you choose to dive into the richness of the human being experience with courage. Thank you for documenting your life, as mysterious and vague and open for interpretation as your words have been - I understand.
I will look back at this moment, this year, as when I chose to follow my heart.
... for the worse? Or is this just a wee rest from the Heatwave of Torture!?
What can I say - things haven't been very Summerish around here lately so we haven't done a whole heckuvalot worthy of posting. BUT we did manage to go fly a kite, hit the park and have a couple barbeques and park picnics after daycare/work ... not to mention a backyard family gathering yesterday for my birthday which had to be the most amazing dinner I've had on the deck to date - everything about it was perfect - even the sun came back out when we sat down to eat!
The above was the only photo I was able to grab of Lucas AND the kite in the same frame - my portrait lens made things difficult that way.
It was our London Drugs $2.99-special Spiderman kite and ... it worked famously.
He worked that kite like a pro - didn't even have a chance to teach him as a huge gust of wind grabbed the kite and it was airborne - he clued in with the rest.
After the wind died-down Lucas tried his hand at some stuntman moves:
And then it was back home for some blackberry foraging in the backyard:
and being a little goofy ...
I really hope the swim-worthy weather returns ... that lovely 'must make more popsicles' kind of heat already seems like a distant memory. I'm hoping that wasn't 'it' for Summer 2009 weather-wise. We shall see.
Above: The pumpkins and tomatoes we started from seed this year.
Growing our own food in the backyard each Summer is a must-do, especially now that Lucas is at the age where he can learn and benefit so much from it.
I am blown away that we have 40+ medium to extra large tomatoes on just 3 organic beefsteak tomato plants we have grown this year. After being told that the plants probably wouldn't do well being in such close proximity to each other (not to mention with such limited soil space contained in a ceramic pot) I'm excited to see the potential of the years ahead, and of course what we have to look forward to later this month as they begin to ripen!
Lucas loves checking on them every time we're in the backyard and he always shouts out progress reports such as "this tomato is turning orange now!" and "Mom! Look how big this one is!" Truth be told, I'm a tomato addict and now that I've seen how well these plants can do in a ceramic pot, I think I'll add a few more pots for next year's crop. Salads, sandwiches, grilled tomato, salsa, sauces - yeah I think so! Also pictured above is one of the heirloom tomato plants we grew from seed as well.
In another photo above, Lucas is partly checking out the pumpkins and partly searching for a garden snake I saw slither into the patch moments before : ) We have snakes that show themselves in our yard every Summer and while I'm not too keen on holding one (as Lucas continues to request that I do), I definitely love seeing them. I can totally see Lucas and his friends in the future going on snake hunt adventures in our backyard each year : )
Back to the pumpkins ... I had forgotten that pumpkin plants were vine-bearing and can grow outwards so aggressively. In fact two of our plants have grown right out of the garden and two feet into the lawn! I was also pleasantly surprised to see that they can produce several pumpkins per plant - well worth the effort! Pumpkin pie, pumpkin loaf and Jack'o-lanterns, oh my! ... and to grow them in your own backyard?! LOVE!
I think we're hooked ; )
Oldfield Orchard, Dan's Farm & Ruby Red Farms
